Part 2: (My) Dialog – Desire and Illwill

This is the dialogue between Christiane and myself, taken from the Facebook group – with all spelling mistakes and forgotten words.


Dear Christiane! 2 weeks ago we found three puppies on the side of the road and took them in. From the beginning it was clear that we can not keep them and have to look for a home for them. Yesterday was the day and we handed over one of the dogs to his new family. And despite preparation there is now such a great sadness. Thoughts that keep circling around this dog and trigger strong body sensations. Other feelings come and go, but these do not dissolve so easily.

Dear Steffi, yes, I have been following your emergency care. ❤
What are the thoughts circling around? That you miss the dog, that he might not have it good?
Love, Christiane

There is not the thought “I miss Kali”… it is mainly pictures of him in the thoughts, memories of some incident, the feeling to still feel his fluffy fur. And thoughts saying that he would have had it better with us, that they are not the right people we gave him to, that he might not have it good there, yes… something like a guilty conscience….

❤ Would the sentence hit it: Kali is no longer here and I don’t know if he will be ok in his new home?

yes, it does

Very well. Think the sentence or say it out loud. What bodily sensations arise immediately? Feel these sensations and be on the lookout if anything appears that triggers the thoughts. Best regards!

Dear Steffi, that can be good. Not without reason, thoughts are considered sensations in Buddhism, and all sensations are guided by bodily sensations, pleasant, unpleasant or neutral.
This inquiry is already about the next “fetters”: That there is such a thing as desire and aversion.
When you feel the sensations, can you discover somewhere the wish that the dog would be with you, that it should be well?
Kind regards, Christiane

Yes… there are thoughts that think, oh, if only the dog were still with us, then he would surely be fine… and also me/us.


Alright, these thoughts are the reaction to the body sensations . 🙂 .
Say the SAtz, feel the body sensations and stay with them. Does something come up that triggers the thoughts? What connects the sensations to the thoughts?


Dear Christiane. The body sensations are by far not as strong with the sentence as they were two days ago. Anyway, they do not last long enough to look. What was very painful at first is okay now. I’ve noticed that nothing bad happens when Kali is gone. The new family is taking care of him and sending us pictures. It is good now, the way it is.

Dear Steffi, I am very happy for Kali. 😊
Does anything change in the feelings if you take the sentence : “Kali is now with another family”?

Hello Christiane! This sentence does not trigger any sensation at all. 🐶

Then I guess Kali has arrived well in his new home and you in your new reality 🙂 .

If you notice something else you would terribly like or a problem you would really like to get rid of…. those would still be topics for the next step. Otherwise, keep settling in and let me hear from you from time to time how you’re doing. ❤

All right. Thank you.

I deleted my meditation app on my phone. It hasn’t been doing anything for me for a while now. I’d rather hear, see, feel, smell and taste… Heard from you in the interview with Anthony that it was/is the same for you too….

Yes, meditation suddenly makes no sense at all. I didn’t expect that. Just being with what is, is enough. Everything else is kind of artificial. ❤


Dear Christiane! The last 2 weeks we have been on the road a lot here in Greece. I realize that it is so in everyday life not so easy to come into the silence. During my visit to the – as you called it “level that is always there, only covered by the many mental comments” I looked behind the thoughts for a short moment. It is as if the light went on for a moment and I was able to see everything. It is interesting that there is now such a knowledge about being a timeless, free being. But I could not have this direct experience again. Indescribable once again. I try it again in this way: I am in this dark “room”, which is actually not dark at all, briefly the light goes on and everything becomes visible. Then the light goes out again. I know that everything is still there, but I can’t see it so clearly anymore. There is only the knowledge and also something like confidence. Thoughts and feelings keep getting in the way. In the process, I have come across (not only) one problem that I would really like to be rid of. Because that’s what the thoughts are about far too often. Funny is that I can hardly put this problem into words.

Dear Steffi, how nice that you could once again gain a deep insight. These insights come and go, they are for the time being still covered by the mental assumptions again like the sun by the clouds (with you maybe just not) 🙂 The awakening itself will feel in all likelihood once again different, so it is best not to hang on to these deep insights. They are usually not retrievable.
Let’s get to work on stripping away the rest of the assumptions 🙂 .
Try to describe the problem you are thinking about.
Kind regards, Christiane


Dear Christiane! Once again had to wait a bit for the words 🙂 I’ll try to describe one of the problems. The one that can still be best described and which is possibly the reason for a few others 😉 So. It is so that every morning I resolve to just have breakfast and drink coffee in peace. And before I know it, I’m holding my smartphone and scrolling through Facebook. I want to enter an appointment in my calendar, take the device in my hand and instead of entering the appointment, I scroll through the notifications. These have – oh wonder – not really increased after my last “visit” half an hour ago. I want to share a picture on my FB page on Facebook and instead I get stuck on everyone else’s posts… etc. I think you get the point. Is maybe the social media addiction that has been described a lot? That makes me constantly look if there are new comments, likes, followers… if a new mail has come… This wastes so much time, which I then miss again somewhere else, so that I do not get to what I actually wanted to do or would like to do instead. Like, for example, sitting quietly by the sea and listening, seeing…


Oh dear, sorry Steffi, I haven’t even replied to you yet. 😮
How well I understand what you mean!
You can be very direct with that. Next time you feel the impulse to do something different on Facebook than you intended or to pick up your smartphone at all, pause. Put the smartphone aside and feel inside yourself. What is not right right now, what is missing or too much? What would the situation have to be like for you to not think about the phone at all? Is there something that someone else could do or say so that you would forget about the cell phone altogether?
Best regards, Christiane ❤


Dear Christiane! There you have once again given me a difficult task 😉
The thing is: As soon as I pause and feel inside myself, the impulse is gone and nothing more can be felt. As soon as I pause, I put the phone away again. Or I do what I wanted to do. Sometimes, however, everything happens so quickly that the impulse is followed and there is also no opportunity to feel it. And then it is rather thought about how it could come to this, but not felt…

Yes, this exercise is not so easy 🙂 To make it clearer, you could do the following (do you dare? Traffic to your website won’t break down, I promise!)
Set specific times to do certain things like schedule Facebook, post to Facebook, reply to Facebook, Twitter or other platforms if you use them. Set specific times to surf around privately on Facebook or elsewhere. At all other times, put your phone aside (no, not in the freezer) and don’t touch it. Don’t swerve on the computer.
Observe how you feel during the times in between. What sensations emerge? What is missing? Are there times when you forget about the phone altogether? What is different then?
Best regards, Christiane

okay, I think I can work with that 🙂 Will do that for a few days and get back to you. Thanks a lot 🙂


Dear Christiane! Wow, this is really difficult. Have been watching for a few days now. And this is what came out:
Observe how you feel in the times in between:
The impulse to reach for the cell phone always occurs in certain situations:
In the morning, when you could actually have breakfast in peace.
During the day, when one action has been completed and before the next one begins: In the break, so to speak, when you could come to rest.
Also during work between two to-dos.
In the lunch break after eating, etc.
Even in very tiny breaks: while cooking dinner, waiting for the pasta to finish, for example.
It’s as if there’s an authority whose job it is to protect us from becoming quiet. The cell phone comes in handy.
In the past, it was probably other things: Zapping through the TV programs, computer games… Everything that distracts.
Distraction as protection. And this instance of social media comes just in time. Hardly any distraction works better.
And it would be nicer to come to rest. What do you need to be protected from? That was a lot of thinking again….
What sensations emerge?
Just before reaching for the cell phone, restlessness is felt. A tingling. In the wrists especially. The breath becomes a little faster. The neck muscles tense up. There are also sensations in the eyes that I can hardly describe, feels like something is being sought.
What is missing?
I don’t know exactly. I think I’m just bored sometimes. What I’m doing right now is too little or not what I actually want to do.
Are there times when you forget about the cell phone altogether? What is different then?
Yes. When I go for a walk. When other people are around. When I’m exploring the not-self. When I’m reading a good book. When I’m doing a task that I enjoy. When I’m sleeping 😉.

Great, you had a very good look. Boredom is something we don’t like so much 🙂 .
Next time this situation arises, feel that restlessness, the tingling in the wrists and the breath going a little faster and the neck muscles tensing, feel those sensations. Also feel the urge to get away from those sensations. Now exactly you should be able to see the desire directly and how it connects the sensations to the reaction (picking up the phone).
What do you find?
Kind regards, Christiane


Dear Christiane! The last few days there was hardly any boredom. We are on a campsite and all day busy washing, vacuuming and mopping. Because the animals have fleas. And I also have flea bites. Not a very exciting task. But still a great change LOL Smartphone and social media I hardly got to see.
But now some normality has returned. And I have looked again. But somehow I can’t figure it out. I can feel the sensations just fine. Also the urge to get away from it. The only thing I can find in between is the desire not to have to feel these sensations, as they are classified as unpleasant. Love from the sun 🌞


Dear Steffi, you have observed this well. We change something ( =react) because we don’t want to bear the sensation 🙂 .
How does it come to the reaction? When the unpleasant sensations are there again, feel them and lurk like the cat in front of the mouse hole to see if a connection between these sensations and the upcoming reaction emerges. Do not give in to the pull to react. It would be good if you can do the exercise for 10-15 min.
Does a connection emerge?
Kind regards, Christiane


Wow Christiane! That’s really hard… I do the exercise over and over again. Write you what came out of it… and again you ask the same question LOL So I do the exercise again. Longer. The sensations are getting stronger and stronger. The thoughts are getting more and more with each passing second, spinning faster and faster. Finding more and more reasons why I should react right now. It feels like they are panicking. Fear arises. Then it becomes so strong that I don’t want to stand it anymore… and finally reach for the cell phone… or have to stop doing the exercise any longer… get up… walk away from it….


Dear Steffi, wow, you’ve got a lot going on there. ❤
This way we look everything directly in the face.
Why don’t you find out what’s actually missing when you’re not reaching for your phone? You feel the impulse to reach for the cell phone…. don’t. What is not right at this moment, what triggers this great fear? What do you need to keep your eye on, where do you need to be? What if you didn’t go online? Why do you have to react immediately? WHAT could happen if you didn’t?
I am curious to see what you find out.
Best regards, Christiane


Dear Steffi, how was your Christmas in Greece? And how is it going with the cell phone? Best regards, Christiane


Dear Christiane. Christmas passed us pretty much without a trace. Since we are no longer in Germany in the winter and eat with family, Christmas actually has no meaning. How was it with you? Christmas on Helgoland?
After I found out that it’s not just boredom after all but there’s more behind it, I’m a bit scared. I haven’t (yet) been ready to deal with it and obviously preferred to let it sink in. Sorry, next time I’ll let you know. But I think it will probably go now to take me up on it again 🙂 .


Dear Steffi, we were this time Christmas in Hamburg and for us it actually also has no more meaning.
During the inquiry of the fetters it can sometimes already come to frightening discoveries. Wanting and not wanting are the most emotional assumptions, and often a lot comes up during the inquiry. This will continue all the way through the fetters, in varying degrees of intensity, even after the fetters are over. It’s a very profound process, you could say everything that hasn’t awakened comes up and then disappears for good.
Do you like to tell what you were so scared about? You can also write me a pm if this is too public for you.
Best wishes and a Happy New Year!


Dear Christiane. I was scared because there is fear at all. I did not expect that at all. The inquiry of the fear, so what it is exactly what comes to light, I therefore had to postpone for the time being, so that one can get used to the thought. The next few days I will do the exercise again and then see what is hiding.


Dear Steffi, I suggest you get to know this fear a bit more. When it comes up again, while you prefer to distract yourself with the internet, or maybe with something else, allow yourself to feel the body sensations.
What body sensations come up? Let yourself sink into them as you would into a warm bath.
As you continue to feel the sensations, what would you say the sensations are, unpleasant, pleasant, or neutral?
Do the body sensations know anything about the name fear?
Can the word fear make the body sensations feel?
What happens when the name “fear” is added to the pure body sensations.
Kind regards and for the New Year even more liberation ❤,
P.S. Also with this inquiry it is helpful to write at least every 2nd day 🙂 .


Dear Christiane. It’s my turn, did the exercise a few times. But it’s like in the beginning again. If I don’t give in to the impulse to reach for my phone, it disappears again. It feels like the fear knows the trick now and doesn’t fall for it anymore 😉 I know it’s there though because it was felt very strongly the one time. I think the fear is afraid of being discovered. I would like to try a few more times to see if she can be coaxed out again. Also, I have the impression that when things don’t work out with the cell phone, the thoughts try to provide distraction elsewhere, but it always happens so fast and by the time it’s noticed, it’s gone.
🍀 have a great new year I wish you ❤️

Dear Steffi, thank you for the good wishes 🙂 .
You can also approach it the other way around: When the thoughts try to provide distraction elsewhere, trace. Why is this distraction necessary now, with the cell phone or otherwise? You can ask the question: What is underneath the thoughts that are providing distraction, and wait to see what comes up. Don’t be afraid of the fear, it’s just a different feeling. ❤


Dear Christiane. It’s not that I need a distraction and that’s why I reach for the cell phone. The fear that makes me reach for the cell phone is the fear of someone not liking me. That’s why I really need to see what’s going on out there. Not being allowed to reach for the cell phone sometimes drives me crazy. And of course I know that this is all nonsense and when these regulating thoughts appear, the impulse to reach for the cell phone disappears again. But it comes up again and again on a regular basis. I never noticed this before. And yet it seems familiar. I went to therapy once, and it turned out that my parents punish me by withdrawing love when I show undesirable behavior. So always be sweet and well-behaved (however that may be), because otherwise they might not like/love me anymore.
Sorry, it did take me a while to figure this out now 🙂 .


Great, Steffi, yes sometimes it takes a bit to figure out what is actually behind it.
What could your parents have done or said, maybe your mom or dad most like, so that you would have known for sure, I am loved no matter what I do or how I am?
Feel free to use direct speech.
Love, Christiane


Dear Christiane. You should have just done it. Whether you are loved or not, you feel. It has nothing to do with certain words or actions. I had to remember back a bit how it was with my parents back then. As a child and especially as a teenager. I got along with them quite well, as long as everything was okay. When I was cheerful. Friendly. But when I had difficulties, worries, problems, hardships… there was no one there. Anger or resentment or disappointment – whether it was about them, or about others – I had nowhere to go. Such feelings were ignored. Blanked out. I couldn’t talk to them about that. I learned from them to keep my feelings (negative for them) to myself. Not to talk about them. Had to try to sort of turn them into a smile, or something. My parents didn’t have to say anything, they just had to be there and allow me to have those feelings. But instead, they told me that they only love me and are there when I don’t show these feelings. And when I did show them – they were gone.
But you’re asking about direct speech. I’ll give it a try. You could have said: Tell me about your anger – I can take it and I won’t go away.

Dear Steffi, I send you a loving hug! ❤
Would this sentence hit it home?
“My parents (or mom and dad or whatever you call them) never said all your feelings are welcome, including your anger. We can take it and stay with you.”
What feelings come up when you say this sentence?
Do you feel any REactions? Reactions are anything that takes you away from the first sensations.
All the love, Christiane


Thank you, dear Christiane!
Sadness – an almost painful tightening in the throat. Tears in the eyes. Tightness in the chest. Stagnant breath. Holding one’s breath. Tingling in the fingers.
I do not feel any reactions, i.e. something that leads me away from the sensations. On the contrary. I can’t get away from the sentence. I read it again and again. Above all, it sounds so beautiful without the word “never” that I become even sadder.


Dear Steffi, wonderful that you can allow all these sensations. ❤
Never leave it still in the sentence please, otherwise it will be too intense. Because feeling these sensations is the preparation for the actual inquiry. Later you will use the sentence in a positive variant.
You are looking at desire and unwillingness, wanting and not wanting.
We usually have the feeling that we want or don’t want something, and therefore react. You didn’t want to feel the fear and these sensations (without knowing it), so you distracted yourself.
Say the phrase again, feel the sensations. And while you are feeling the sensations, pay attention to whether something arises that might pull you away from those sensations and make you react.
It’s like you’re sitting on this side of a river with the sensations and you’re looking at the river. Does something show up that takes you to the other bank? Keep all your senses open.
Love, Christiane


Dear Christiane. I have done the exercise a few times now. Even before I want to do the exercise, there are very many thoughts that want to prevent me. They think that I have to do this and that first and that there is actually no time for it.
When I do manage to say the sentence, the sensations described above always arise: Sadness – an almost painful tightening in the throat. Tears in the eyes. Tightness in the chest. Breathing stops. Holding my breath.
I can feel the sensations well for a while. But only them. Then the tingling in the fingers appears. The eyes start searching for something. More and more thoughts come up that think it would be enough now and that I should do something else now. The attention to the sensations slowly fades. They fade away. I say the sentence again and everything starts from the beginning. Sometimes I felt fear. Fear of what might happen if I stayed with the sensations any longer. Fear of them becoming even more intense.
I haven’t been able to feel anything more or anything else yet. But I keep on trying. Love, Steffi


Dear Steffi, you are doing very well. ❤ Now try to find a “dosage” that makes the sensations well bearable, so that you can investigate desire and aversion.
Say the sentence. As soon as you feel the first sensations, think “Stop!”.
The sensations may get a little stronger and then stay at that level. Play with saying stop until they are just the right intensity for you. Nothing can happen, they are simply body sensations.
As you continue to feel the sensations, pay attention to whether anything comes up that triggers the thoughts that enough is enough and you could do something else now.
What triggers these thoughts?
Do the exercise 3-4 times a day for 10-15 minutes.
Best regards, Christiane ❤


Dear Christiane. I did the exercise a few more times. But somehow the phrase triggers less and less strong sensations. Yesterday, a photo of my deceased grandma fell into my hands (perhaps the only person of my childhood of whom I knew that she really loved me). There were then again strong sensations of sadness. Tightness, tears… Ind suddenly there was the thought: you should be fine! I think that this thought, which came up a few times, ultimately led to other thoughts coming up, which again said I should do something else now and that I put the picture away, wiped away my tears and got up to do something else.
Wish you a nice weekend ❤️


Dear Steffi, what a wonderful memory of your grandma. ❤
Could it be that some feelings are rather foreign to you, not part of “real” life, so to speak? Was this perhaps conveyed to you?
If the sentence does not trigger any strong feelings, append in “so what?” now. The “so what” is an insistence that wanting and not wanting show themselves.
How does it look in everyday life, do you still feel the impulse to reach for the cell phone as often as before?
Best regards, Christiane

Possibly that is so… What feelings could these be?

Maybe the softer feelings, like sadness, fear, tears?

Christiane, I think that I had to give up many feelings for the sake of my parents. Anger, disappointment, maybe sadness. Even today it is difficult for me to feel them and to allow them. Ind sometimes I am unsure whether there are perhaps feelings that I do not know at all. But I also don’t know what they should be.

We carry these old experiences around with us and react accordingly until they are dissolved. On the way through the fetters, everything is dissolved – in the end, the old conditionings are no longer there.
Do you remember certain situations where it was very clear that you were not allowed to show certain feelings?

Unfortunately, that is still the case today. Showing these feelings to my parents somehow doesn’t work. Not only that I can’t do it most of the time – they can’t accept you either. They are simply ignored. Silenced. The topic is changed. When I show these feelings to my parents, I don’t get anywhere. They are not ready to deal with them. So they are not ready for a confrontation with me. And somehow I learned from them to spare them that, to protect them from me and my anger or my annoyance. Until today.

Yes, and so now you also protect yourself from the feelings by reaching for the cell phone, for example.
What could your parents have done or said so that you knew you were allowed to show your feelings. Or what could they do or say today?

We already had that exact sentence above 😉 I don’t think anything has changed about that….

Good, is there any way to make it more specific, like adapt it to a situation where it hurt you especially that they didn’t want to experience your feelings?


Dear Christiane. One would think that I now think of a lot to it, because it is often so. But when I look for specific events, I find little and yet actually every encounter… By the way, in my therapy (if that is important for this) came out, among other things, that I have learned the feelings that are unpleasant for my parents (in particular, it is about my mother) quasi transform into feelings that are less violent for them, such as sadness). However, I didn’t learn what to do there.
The first thing that came to my mind was an event. It happened a while ago, but is still very present with me:
I live in a mobile home and have some stuff (furniture, kitchen stuff, clothes, tools, etc.) stored at my parents’ house in a basement room that they were kind enough to let me use for this purpose (my parents have a lot of space).
We were together at some family party, when they told me that they had water in the basement a few weeks ago and everything had to be drained. While doing so, my mom casually said that maybe I should check out my basement room as well.
The next day I went there right away, of course. Yes, there was water in there. Much of it had already run away again. But our furniture was standing in 10 cm high water for some time and some of it was damaged and had to be thrown away.
I was very annoyed and angry that my parents did not tell me earlier/timely and came up with the idea to look into my basement themselves. However, they “didn’t want to experience that”. So I was instead of angry just a little disappointed and sad.
Best regards, Steffi

Dear Steffi, oh, that’s intense! ❤
When you remember your mom casually telling you that there was water in the basement and maybe you should go check on your furniture, what sensations come first? Do any reactions pop up? Best regards, Christiane

Hello Christiane! Here it is a pressure in the head. Rustling in the ears. Tingling everywhere. The hands get cold. The reaction is: jump up, run around jittery and best kick somewhere against (but I have denied myself).

You have observed that great, Steffi! 😃
Think of exactly this situation, feel the durck in the head, the noise in the ears and tingling. Feel the pull to react. Right now you should see the reluctance that connects the sensations with the reaction. Can you find it?
Do the exercise 3-4 times a day for 10-15 minutes.
Kind regards, Christiane


Dear Christiane. I have done the exercise a few times now. The more often I do it, the less strong the sensations are and lead to a reaction less and less often.
What I have found: I feel the sensations. Pressure in my head, ringing in my ears, tingling all over. The sensations are always the same. The reaction is jumping up, kicking (wanting to kick) somewhere or banging my hand on the table.
In between I feel a kind of “wave” going through the body. It starts in the tips of my toes and rolls up to my head. It feels like every fiber contracts briefly and then relaxes again. It really shakes the body. It distracts from the sensations, drawing all attention to itself. When the wave reaches the head – the reaction follows: jumping up. Is this the reluctance?

Dear Steffi, this wave, where the body is shaken, is the subtle energy of the body. It is what is called Kundalini energy. It helps to awaken and become stronger, also it changes the direction of flow and opens new channels. Shaking it flushes the riverbed free 🙂 .
This energy is always activated when one is spiritually on the move in any way, even as early as prayer. It is clearly felt on the way through the fetters. You don’t need to be afraid of it, it helps you awaken.
“I feel the sensations. Pressure in the head, roaring in the ears, tingling everywhere. The sensations are always the same. The reaction is jumping up, kicking (wanting to kick) somewhere, or banging my hand on the table.”
You described that very well. Now pay attention to what connects the sensations to wanting to jump up. What is pushing or pulling you into this reaction? Stay with the pressure, rush, and tingle as best you can. Is there a bridge between these sensations and the jumping up (wanting)?
Love, Christiane

🙂 Phew, is not so easy to discover this bridge… feels almost like you search for the self in the key cabinet… 😉

Maybe it’s the same thing too? 😛

That would be supported by the fact that it doesn’t always result in a response. The more often I do the exercise, the more often I just feel the sensations, which then become less and less and then are just gone again. All without having to jump up or hurting myself when I hit the table with my hand.

Super, Steffi! When the sensations become milder, you have time to calmly wait and see if anything comes up that could trigger the reactions.
Do the exercise 3-4 times a day for 10-15 minutes. Sit and wait for something to show up … until your whole being grasps that there is nothing that triggers reactions. Love. ❤

😂 This search for something you can not find is somehow a crazy thing ❤️ For 8 weeks now I’m looking and always think when you write again, I should keep looking, that there must be something and I’m just too stupid to see it… I’ll keep looking then! See you in the days 🙂
Have a great weekend 🙂 🍀💐💐

Yes, it is a crazy thing. And it takes so long to finally realize that there’s actually nothing there. 😃


Dear Christiane! So somehow this is not working out now. I try to empathize with the situation. But nothing happens anymore. Neither sensations appear, nor reactions….

Dear Steffi, that is very good and shows that something has happened. 😊
Now please attach to the sentence “so what?”. It is an insistence that the reason shows itself, why reactions occur.
If no sensations occur on that either, use that phrase:
My mother left my things in the water.”
Do you feel anything when you do this?
Kind regards, Christiane


Dear Christiane. The last few days have been a bit turbulent. Since I have not been able to do the exercise so often during the day, That’s why it took a few days longer.
The “So what” causes the sensations to disappear immediately.
The sentence “My mother left my things in the water” still evoked sensations at first. But they were nowhere near as strong as they were in the beginning with the thoughts of the situation. The reaction, if present at all, is also very weak: the head turns as if to turn away from something.
The longer I try to stay with the emotions, the more they just dissolve again. without any reaction.
If I attach the phrase “so what” the emotions are gone immediately.
Have a great day 🙂

Dear Steffi, very good! Please use only the “positive sentence” “My mother left my things in the water.” Even if there are hardly any sensations left, feel the weak sensations and wait if something comes up that leads to the reaction (turning your head away). What connects the sensations to the reaction? This is the main focus.
What about reactions in general in everyday life, has anything changed? How do you deal with your smartphone, do you still check as often?
Best regards, Christiane

Mhm, I don’t really know 🙂 Will keep an eye on that.


Yes, do that 🙂 You know what I said yesterday in the German Guides group? If I were on my own, I would move into an RV and go where Steffi is. Your pictures are so beautiful! Have a great time in Greece. ❤


Yes, Greece is really very beautiful 🙂 It wouldn’t be for your partner?
The weaker the sensations become, the harder it is to observe. In the meantime, there are no sensations with the sentence either. Something that connects the sensation with the reaction I have not found. There is the sensation and the reaction. If I stay with the sensations, they become weaker and weaker until they are no longer there. The weaker the sensations are, the weaker also the reaction turns out or it does not come to it any more.
In everyday life, something may have changed. But it often happens so quickly and is therefore difficult to observe. I think I need more of these exercises.
Lately, I only check the smartphone “out of order” when I’m waiting for a message from someone. Other than that, just leaving it alone is going pretty well at the moment. I’ve noticed that most of the time it’s not real situations that cause me to reach for it as a distraction. Rather, it’s the thoughts that tell their stories and thus evoke sensations and suddenly I’ve got the thing in my hand.
Greetings from the beach


Dear Steffi, what you write sounds really good 🙂 .
Wonderful that reaching for the smartphone has calmed down.
“Rather, it is the thoughts that tell their stories and thus evoke sensations and suddenly I have the thing in my hand.”
Pay attention, are they specific thought stories, or do they have a common theme?
Reactions no longer occur when the assumption is seen through that a happening is connected to a reaction. Thoughts also belong to the happening.
Kind regards, Christiane


Dear Christiane. It is not so easy in the happening of everyday life to make all these observations. It just happens too much 😉 In addition, something still hakt. It should be on the lookout for something that leads away from the sensations, to a reaction. How do you/do I know that it’s not the sensations themselves that trigger a reaction?
Yes, if I stay with the sensations and feel the pull to react, then there is no reason that makes me react. There are only the sensations/feelings and the reaction. If I stay with the sensations, they just pass away again at some point. Sometimes sooner, sometimes later. But sometimes it feels as if the reaction is actually only suppressed. And haven’t we also learned that “you should let your feelings out”?
Here I have an example: This morning I was sitting at the computer early to work. At some point, the self woke up and asked when we were going to have breakfast. I answered that I wanted to finish something first and didn’t know how long it would take. He could start already. He then asked me 3 or 4 more times. The third time I asked, sensations appeared. I got angry and reacted annoyed (verbally). I tried to stay with the sensations and see what leads to the reaction. But apart from the sensations, I found nothing. Nevertheless, at some point I reacted annoyed. It took quite a while for the sensations to dissipate.
Have a great day yourself 🌞

Dear Steffi, I know that the sensations don’t lead to reacting, because then they always would. And the reacting would never stop. But it does.
I have the same situation right now around working here 🙂 A nice challenge. 😃
Remember the situation, feel the initial sensations and stay with them. Can the sensations do anything, like initiate a reaction?
Does anything emerge from those sensations to maybe thoughts about the situation in the morning, anger and being annoyed?
Kind regards, Christiane


Dear Christiane! We are so much on the road lately, so unfortunately I can not write so often. But I’m on it 🙂
At the moment it is so that hardly in between to the cell phone is reached. Has somehow become uninteresting. Any thoughts that drive there were also not there. But that can also be due to the fact that so much else is happening right now (a lot on the road, many new impressions).
It is also just that the feeling of calm is there. Knowing that you don’t have to react to everything possible and that the reactions actually (can) be absent is very pleasant. When any sensations appear, there are always thoughts right away that say: There is no need to react! Stay with the sensations and watch if something pops up… haha… your voice in my thoughts 🙂 Sensations pop up more often in the day and sometimes I don’t even know why.
No, sensations can’t do anything. They don’t actually initiate the reaction. They appear and fade away. They don’t lead anywhere either. If I just stay with the sensations, I feel them and they eventually go away. In this case, they are no longer very strong. In the beginning, right in the situation, I remember trying not to give in to the pull to react, but to just stay with the sensations. That was not easy. It didn’t quite work out that way either. If the sensations are weaker, like now when I just remember the situation, it’s easy not to react.


Dear Steffi, ah, wonderful! This peace is a foretaste of the peace that lies beneath everything when the interpretations placed over it have fallen away.
Enjoy this peace. ❤
Staying with the sensations and not giving in to the pull to react is exactly the trick. I like to be the voice in your thoughts reminding you 🙂 .
So every 2-3 days let me hear from you how you are doing, how strongly you may be reacting and how long it will take for calm to return.
Have a wonderful trip!
Best regards, Christiane

Thank you ❤️ Have a great day and I am already very excited about what is to come 😃


Dear Christiane! It’s been a week now… Actually, I don’t even know what to report. The calmness continues. And somehow it feels balanced. It’s already an almost eerie calm 😉 And also it’s as if – don’t even know how to describe it, most words don’t fit – it’s all still the same, but the point of view, or perspective is a whole new one. Without and with only a few reactions, everything is much clearer. It is much easier to decide, or to see the decision. To realize what is actually important and what is not – and it is just really very much not important anymore. The reactions have somehow distracted. The communication is getting better, because there is no longer such a reaction to what we hear. It’s only been like this for a week now, and I’m curious to see if it stays that way. It also doesn’t have to be done much at all, it almost goes by itself – only sometimes not when the sensations are very strong. But that is quite rare right now. Wish you a nice weekend 💐

Dear Steffi, that sounds quite wonderful! Yes, it all gets easier and easier, all the way through the fetters it’s like we just keep leaving some baggage behind and life gets easier and easier.
We’ve already speculated with a few people how much longer we might live where we have so little stress and everything is so easy. 😃
And suddenly things are better with the others, too, because this constant pulling and tugging at what is right now has subsided.
Maybe something will occur again that will make you react properly. If so, no problem, we’ll just look at it together.
Best regards from bitterly cold Hamburg, where the Alster is already almost frozen over. ❤

Thanks ❤️ I’ll let you know if there is anything… With us in the Peloponnese today was just under 20 degrees, but also drizzle. Spring is already here 🌷

Oh how beautiful!


Yesterday it happened again. We are driving so unsuspectingly through the uninhabited area, a dog runs in front of our car.
We stop the car. It is a puppy. Probably a Greek guard dog. Probably only 2 months old. Totally emaciated and alone. No people, no other dogs, or a herd nearby.
We ponder back and forth for a while (though of course the decision was made long ago). We take her with us. It’s a girl. We give her a bath to see if she has fleas. And also because she’s dirty. She’s totally cute, logically. We feed her and bring her out the door every 2 hours at night. And figure out what we’re going to do.
We find out when we talk on the phone with 2 acquaintances who are involved in animal welfare here, that it will not be easy to place a guard dog. That she is even a purebred specimen. However, she is less suitable as a family dog. Nevertheless, we want to take her and try to place her somewhere. This will not be easy, we doubt.
Then a shepherd comes by with a big herd and at least 4 dogs. We show him the puppy. He is happy and takes them with him. Great, we think. But as soon as he is around the corner with the dog and we are in the car on the road to the coast doubts come into our minds.
Has he seen that it is a girl? Greeks prefer to keep the males and “throw away the girls”, because they get puppies. What will the shepherd do with her now? Is she really allowed to live with him and guide the flock on their daily walk? Or does he see at the latest at home that she is a girl and… Does he let her live? Does he abandon her again? Carousel of thoughts. Whew.
I’ll stick with the sensations. The tight throat, the pressure in my chest, the tears in my eyes and wait… for a reaction. And, of course, for something to come up to connect the sensations to the reaction. But what is the reaction? Somehow there are only sensations. Very strong sensations that last for hours. And it doesn’t show what is sensation and what is reaction, and whether there is a reaction at all. There are actually only sensations. Or not?

Dear Steffi, I send you a big hug! ❤
What you are experiencing right now is a reaction to thought cinema, not so much a reaction to something that is actually happening.
In that respect, our thoughts are like sensory experiences. Thoughts are followed by sensations, which in turn lead to new thoughts, which are followed by sensations again…. until eventually it becomes a whole avalanche.
If these thoughts continue to be there or come back, allow them and also allow the sensations. What bodily sensations are associated with them. Give them space, but stay with the body sensations.
When you have felt them for a while, open your eyes. What can you see and hear right now? What are you touching right now, feel it. Is there something you can smell or taste?
These are the real experiences. Do they have anything to do with the thoughts?
Best regards, Christiane

Thank you very much, Christiane! Wow, yes something really hit me there. No, the real experiences have nothing at all to do with the thoughts and the following sensations. That is rather a kind of parallel world. But everything is just made up and yet it has such an effect. Crazy. The whole thing lasted for quite a while and then slowly subsided. Now the thoughts are now and then still with the little dog, but there are hardly any sensations. It’s like with the thoughts of my grandma that I’ve told you about before. Or also like with the thoughts that make me reach for my cell phone. All just thoughts that have nothing to do with real experiences.
But a few things haven’t quite sunk in yet. It feels like there is a lot of tidying up going on. And many things get a new place. But what about those feelings that express sadness or grief, for example, when you remember past situations: Is the dog okay? My grandma died and I miss her? What is the best way for me to deal with this? After all, they are just thoughts of something that is long gone. But it feels very real.


Dear Steffi, how wonderful that you were able to get out of that cyber world so quickly!
When feelings come up with thoughts of the dog or when you miss your grandma, feel them. Feelings are not problems to be solved, they just want to be felt. Allow yourself to feel the void left by your wonderful grandma. Or the anxious feeling about how the dog might be doing.
But don’t feed the feelings. Feel them, carry them with you gladly, let happen what happens, but don’t get in and keep writing the script. It is a more passive feeling, an unfolding and letting it be there.
There always comes a time when the feeling is, so to speak, “felt out” for this time and you can turn back to the current event. ❤

Many thanks


Dear Steffi, I’m sorry to say that I will probably have to take 3-4 weeks off starting next week. I was found to have uterine cancer. Tomorrow I have the conversation with the surgeon, then I will also be told the date. I feel good and just can’t find a problem with it – it’s wonderful and a bit strange at the same time. Kind regards, Christiane

Dear Christiane! Ui… I keep my fingers crossed for you that everything goes well.

Thank you, Steffi! ❤ I don’t think the surgery will take me as much as the three-hour shopping trip I just had. 😁

I wish you that ❤️😘


Dear Steffi, I went back to another hospital because of the long wait and got an appointment there last Friday for surgery next Tuesday. I plan to be back on April 19. Feel free to keep writing in the group or even here in pm, I always found just writing helps me become clearer. Love, Christiane ❤

Dear Christiane. By next Tuesday you mean tomorrow? Ui, I keep my fingers crossed for you that everything will go well.
Yes, writing always helps me a lot. There the thoughts can express themselves again quite differently.
By the way, I notice that there are moments, often in the morning, when I drift along on a wave of reactions. It’s only later in the day that these fail to materialize and this pleasant gap arises. I wonder what the reason for that is.
I wish you all the best 💝


Dear Steffi,
thank you for your good wishes. If you are drifting on a wave of reactions, that is normal, this fetter needs at least two and usually more attempts to be finally seen through.
It’s not a matter of not having reactions – that’s just a side effect. It’s not like we’re doing behavioral therapy. 😃
Reactions show that the idea of wanting or not wanting something is still present, and that’s why people react.
Pick a situation that is particularly stressful for you. Imagine it. Feel the primary sensations. And then wait to see if anything arises that pulls you into a reaction. Just sit and wait…. that’s all 🙂 .
By Tuesday, I meant tomorrow. By all means keep writing, I always find it clarifies everything so well when I write something down too.
Love and see you soon, Christiane ❤

sit and wait, I can do that 😉 All the best for tomorrow



Hello Christiane! How are you? I hope everything went well
.. 🍀

Dear Steffi, everything went well, now I ‘only’ have to recover.

Very nice ❤️


Hello Christiane. How are you doing? Have you recovered? We actually wanted to take the ferry from Greece back to Italy today. But the sailors are on strike and now we have to wait.

Dear Steffi, I am doing quite well. I am still often tired and sleep regularly at noon extensively and my fitness is not yet back, but that will come. We’re finally moving back into the trailer this weekend, but we’ll probably be commuting to Hamburg for a while because my partner has a nasty problem with her leg and can’t walk and the doctors just can’t figure out what it is. Now she is going to rehab and hopefully it will get better there.
How about you with reactions and feelings coming up?
All the love to Greece, I always think it’s great, with a drivable home waiting times don’t matter 🙂 .
Love, Christiane


Hello dear Christiane! How are you? Have you recovered? Now it’s been forever… I’ve had something like a vacation from the internet for the last few weeks. I think you are not completely innocent of that either 🙂 .
There are suddenly so many things that just don’t matter anymore. Not like they used to be.
I hope your partner is better now and you enjoy life outside in the caravan?
We are now back in Germany and in Bremen for the month of May. There are so many things to do.

A lot has changed in the last weeks. For example, I often have the impression that I no longer have a past. Suddenly I can’t remember so many things – at least not more than a movie I saw last week. This is sometimes a bit bizarre. Thoughts and feelings actually come and go just like that, without triggering anything big. Thinking about something, such as what I’m writing to you right now, is therefore also very difficult. Many things are no longer so tangible, because they disappear again immediately. And since it is no longer important to hold on to thoughts, they are then simply gone again. So sometimes I don’t succeed in normal conversations anymore. Thoughts and feelings still trigger reactions. But unlike before, only briefly. And then it’s good again. The eternal ruminating about what happened, what I should have done differently, etc. hardly exists anymore, if at all. We learn from experience, but in a completely different way than we always thought. At least not by thinking about something in a strained way, but much more subtly or intuitively. Without a self that thinks, new experiences are added to all the other experiences and somehow and sometime a new decision or point of view arises from it. That’s probably how it’s always been, but now it’s very clear and everything is more effortless. When you live with someone who doesn’t know that yet though and likes to ruminate and tell about everything experienced… it sometimes feels … like (oh man I’ve been lacking words a lot lately too) not to ruminate anymore.
Last week, the little puppy Thea, which we have taken in Anfan March in Greece with us, moved out again. We found a great family for her, although Thea would also have fit very well with us. But the decision not to keep Thea was very clear. We would have been overwhelmed with her. She is a great dog and the parting was painful. But unlike with Kali, this time the pain of parting was intense but very short. After we left her in her new home, I must have cried for half an hour. And then it was okay. Thoughts of Thea are there every now and then. Sometimes they trigger sadness, sometimes joy. But always only briefly and actually I can hardly remember the time with Thea “properly”. She was there, now she is not anymore. Because thoughts and feelings are no longer pursued, mostly only what is right now is experienced. Everything is much closer. But remembering and planning have just become really difficult.
Wish you a nice holiday


Dear Steffi,
nice to hear from you. 😃
What you describe is what is left when thoughts no longer take the lead, but intuition does.
And then thoughts actually become less and less important. Do you also feel that they become less?
75% of our thoughts have become about ourselves, and when they become less, it becomes quieter overall.
My partner is not interested in these things either, and we approach everything very differently as a result.
We have talked about this for a long time, so we both also have the freedom to just be who we are. Yes, I also sometimes can’t follow more and don’t want to 🙂 .
We are in the caravan by the sea, unfortunately Astrid had quite a heartache the last 5 days, but partout did not want to go to the doctor. She was over two years ago once so heart sick that I already thought she dies.
My recovery is going slower than I thought, I’m still sleeping a lot and I can’t walk very far again yet, but that will come. I’m practicing. 🏃🏃🏃
We are located near Heiligenhafen, right on the beach, if you ever come to the area I would be insanely happy to meet you. ❤
If you feel like it, you could try investigating this strange phenomenon of memory and planning for the future.
Here are a few ideas to do so:
“What” is memory made of?
When does memory appear?
What exactly is the difference between a “general” thought and a “memory thought”?
From what exactly does it appear that a “memory thought” refers to something that has happened?
Then look at a thought about the future.
What is the future thought made of?
What is the ‘future thought’ made of?
When does the future thought appear?
What exactly is the difference between a ‘general thought’ and a ‘future thought’?
From what exactly is it clear that the ‘future thought’ refers to something that will happen?
Now let’s compare a thought about the past with a thought about the future.
What exactly is the difference between thoughts about the past and future? If there is a difference, how is that difference recognized?
Look at what actually happens and not what thoughts tell.
Kind regards, Christiane


Dear Christiane. We will be in Bremen for a while. And then move on towards Brandenburg. Thank you for the invitation. I would be very happy about a meeting as well. Let’s see when it will take us to the north. Thanks also for the new task. Have plenty to do with it 🙂 It’s not clear yet if the thoughts are really getting less, or if they just got quieter. What the memory is, I don’t really know yet. I couldn’t find a difference between general thoughts, future thoughts and memory thoughts yet either. But I’m on it. Notice that thinking about it is also changing somehow. Or the perception of it. It’s hard for me to think specifically about anything in particular. It’s all rather like that at the moment… unconsciously?
I wish you a good rest. With the nice weather, it’s going quite well, isn’t it?
Sending you a hug and sunshine 🙂


Dear Steffi, I’m sure we’ll see each other sometime. Do you have the bandwidth in the truck for video calls? Then we could also cyber-meet each other sometime. =D
We are unfortunately grad not at the Baltic Sea, Astrid had such severe heart pain, that we have gone to Hamburg. The medical care in the corner of Schleswig-Holstein is underground.
On the way through the fetters, thoughts lose their leading role. They no longer determine where things go, it is rather an intuitive knowledge that is there spontaneously. By the way, the thoughts have never actually determined it. But their comments were so clever that it was not noticeable. 😛
It will become quite normal over time.
“I couldn’t find a difference between general thoughts, future thoughts and memory thoughts yet either. “
Great, there isn’t one either.
“What the memory is, I don’t really know yet”.
Does “the memory” exist, can it be experienced?
Best regards and have fun in Bremen!

Hello Christiane! Get well soon for your friend. I keep my fingers crossed for you that she will be well again soon. Ok, I already thought about that with the thoughts. Thoughts about the past and the future are also just thoughts. Whether memory can be experienced – probably not… but I’ll look into that more. Sometimes it’s all so clear and so confusing at the same time. Everything I thought I knew is not so at all, but quite different. What does it mean for the past and for now, when it actually consists only of thoughts and thoughts are only stories? The thoughts that think about it sometimes think that it all throws them off track. The head then feels so empty and dizzy. And yet it is so clear and has always been so.
Wish you a nice weekend

Dear Steffi,
this feeling, that everything is so confusing and the head is empty and dizzy, is only there as long as the former way of experiencing is compared to the current one.
It is actually quite clear and has always been like that. We just read a lot into it.
Maybe you will notice when the comparisons with the past are going on. Observe what’s happening there.
And let me know what you find out about the memory.
Best regards to Bremen, =D


Hi Christiane! The last few weeks the heat just knocked me out and I couldn’t get much done. Nowhere. How have you been. Hopefully now it will get a little cooler again.
On the subject of memory, so far I haven’t been able to get much done. Except that I’ve been forgetting a lot lately. Dates, appointments, that I was going to do something for someone, answer emails or chats, even my husband’s birthday yesterday. I forget what day of the week it is and what I wanted to do next. It’s really bad and doesn’t suit me at all. Actually I have always been very reliable. 🙂

Dear Steffi,
up here at the Baltic Sea it was also really hot, but we almost always had a fresh east wind, so it was well bearable. I think you have the wake-up dementia. 🙂
This is the case for almost all awakening people. My best friend is my cell phone, I set myself the alarm clock for all appointments, in time, so that I make it. =D
In the meantime I can work with my schedule normally again. Some things still slip my mind, but I’ve gotten really good at writing things down.
When awakening we change to the non-symbolic experience, i.e. everything is no longer “discussed” and thoughts and thus memory hardly play a role anymore.
It is a learning process with this new way of living in the “normal” world to continue to remember the appointments. In the beginning I even dreamed at night that I didn’t answer someone and I couldn’t even remember where we actually chatted in the dream.
In my experience, you find your way back to reliability on a different level, even though it may take some time – and if you want to.
How do you feel when you forget so much, do you get scared? Do you somehow try to think of everything after all?
Best regards, Christiane


Haha…waking dementia is good…I don’t get scared. It’s just so weird because it’s so unusual. And sometimes it makes me uncomfortable too. It doesn’t make a good impression on customers. My husband forgets my birthday sometimes too, so that wasn’t sooooo bad. But being in this world and not being able to remember and make plans, things I was otherwise quite good at, makes it difficult right now. So I’m going to get crutches and use the reminder function of the calendar and write a lot more in there…..
Strange thing is that I can hardly remember what I did yesterday, or even last week. Should I also keep a daily diary? Or is all that not important anyway? In general, I can still feel something as important. What leads to the fact that I do not do much more. Any structure seems to be somehow lost. That should perhaps frighten me. If there were a self, it would think it was dissolving and be in panic. But there is no self at all. It was beautiful always dissolved. Therefore, this structurelessness feels quite normal. Only the comparison, as you write above, with a being, where there was supposedly a structure, that feels unpleasant.


Dear Steffi,
during this waking dementia, the only thing that really helps is a good alarm and a calendar to remind you.
Thoughts are now no longer the command givers, life is led more intuitively.
In the meantime, I have developed a very workable system (I work with a paper calendar). Just play with it until it works for you.
Have you heard about the research Dr. Jeffery Martin did with awakened people? They all had slips of paper in certain places with things they couldn’t forget. Some in the bathroom – there was no way they could miss the slips. =D
Because it is so clear that thoughts simply tell a story, they have lost their importance and many things no longer appear spontaneously.
If you like, write diary. I started doing it over a year ago, but I don’t write regularly, only when something important happens that I want to know about later, and only in bullet points. I’m not that much of a diarist.
But I’m toying with the idea of writing a book, and then I need the notes.
Nothing is really important. Well, maybe that food is in the house or trailer/mobile home.
I think it’s impressive that you can make this “unnamed and unmanned” experience happen so well!
Do you actually sometimes get the impression that something is changing at the boundaries between you and everything else, or between things themselves?
What about reactions?
Best regards, Christiane


Hello Christiane! Now I haven’t written for ages again. There is so much going on lately. And it is so hot. But I also think a break was needed. Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed at all, like I’m just faking a look through. Then I look and search for a self, like we did, and I can’t find it. Then everything is clear again. And yet there is still such a sense of self. It’s the same with the reactions. Often I don’t notice them until they are already there. Then the thoughts go back again… Where does the reaction come from? What situation has triggered it? Often reactions follow situations in which I don’t feel well and want to feel better. When such a discomfort rises. That should go away. Then I try to feel the discomfort again and wait if something comes and of course there is nothing and while the discomfort is felt it dissolves. Mostly, however, there are reactions, which can then be investigated. Rarely do they stop right away. But I think that must still “mature” something…
There are more and more moments in which I am just there and see, hear, feel… And then there is sometimes such a strange feeling. Similar to the body rubbing we once did. As if there was only a bodiless being and a world without things. Then it tingles everywhere and I wince and the feeling is over again.
Greetings from Brandenburg

Dear Steffi,
I have thought a lot about you the last few days and the question, where do you go in the shade? It is sooo hot. We dive into the Baltic Sea again and again to cool down.
It’s definitely good to take a break now and then. The updates all want to be unpacked and integrated, and that takes time.
If you keep reacting now and then, that’s normal, these two fetters are really tough. The feeling of self will still be there until the 8th fetter.
Can you imagine YOU thinking, writing, and walking the dog and cat?
“Often reactions follow situations where I don’t feel good and want to feel better. When such a discomfort rises. That’s supposed to go away.”
Exactly. We have a feel-good radar that scans non-stop all the time how you’re feeling and how you could feel better.
That’s based on the assumption that we could always feel good, and that assumption is exactly why we’re actually tied up.
Do you read English? I wrote a little article about the Trojan that has infested our system, the Trojan “Wannabehappy.”
I’m attaching it to you.
What sensations do you feel when you say the phrase,
“There is no such thing as feeling good all the time”?
What sets the search for it in motion?
Best regards, Christiane

At the moment I sit under a tree and the wind comes by from time to time. Sometimes we also have a lake. Today unfortunately not. Yesterday it was very pleasant to sit on the roof terrace under the tree. But it’s not much of a rest at the moment. In the camper you can’t stand it during the day. At night we sleep outside. On the roof. That’s nice. With all the night noises.
Ha, good question about imagining ME thinking, writing, and walking the dog and cat. While I’m doing it I don’t feel like I’m doing anything. Later in the thoughts, there it was ME. And there is then the feeling of self that feels very real.
The sentence doesn’t trigger any sensations. There is agreement, so very neutral. You don’t always feel good and you don’t have to. Also unpleasant feelings or being uncomfortable disappear again, all by themselves. Between the discomfort and the reaction, which should perhaps lead to the fact that it goes better again – is nothing. This Trojan does not exist. And yet reactions appear again and again. Yet there is no reason for them and they are unnecessary. Apparently, only the reactions know about this Trojan. 😊

Sleeping outside at night, how nice!
Steffi, if this feeling of self appears, explore it. Now your beginner’s mind is needed. 😃 Even if you know the answer, look fresh.
Allow the sense of self to be there.
What sensations are associated with the self feeling?
Where are they?
What does it contain the information that YOU are?
We will then take care of the Trojan. As long as reactions still occur, it is still in the system.☺
Kind regards, Christiane
P.S. I did not go at all on your experience as körüerlos ways in a world without things. That is how I always experience myself, that is what we really (are not). ❤

OK, I’ll do that and get back to you in the days. Thank you 😚

You’re welcome! 😃


Dear Christiane. I think that there is fear after all. It somehow prevents the self from being given up so completely. How can I be in a world full of selves without selves? It is clear that the other selves do not exist either. But everyone else believes in a self. It has already become difficult to talk to others as soon as it becomes more than the topic of the weather. If you only hear in what you hear and also “only” say what you say, nobody understands you anymore. People are so full of interpretation and interpretation. When I sit there and look at my hand and find out again and again that it is not my hand, there are thoughts that tell me I am very naive and quite stupid. And there is the feeling of self. And this self is no longer a noun and also not a verb. Nothing that really exists. Nothing that does anything.
I is more of an adjective. Something that is something. A quality. Or maybe a character. And there’s the fear of losing all the qualities with the feeling of self. What will happen to all the feelings? With joy, sadness, love and pain? There is no self that makes these feelings or sensations. No self that controls them. They come and go. Like thoughts. And yet they seem to be more connected to the self concept than the thoughts or the body.
My experience as a disembodied being is always so brief that there is only a vague sense of it. Unimaginable so far to live a completely “normal life” in this experience.


Dear Steffi,
I think you actually realize that there is no self, but you cling to the idea of the self because of fear. ♥
Yes, everyone else believes in a self. But that doesn’t matter. I continue to have normal contact with people, talk about this or that, and all the while I know that it’s all really insubstantial.
Nevertheless I play along and some things are fun for me. I’m not the small talk type and rather introverted anyway, so I don’t talk to people all the time anyway.
By the way, no one can see that you have seen through the self illusion and are already looking deeper. You don’t need to put on a disguise. Just be the way you are – that’s perfectly fine.
We can only talk about our experience with people who also know it or are at least interested in it. Surprisingly, I have a camping neighbor here who finds it totally exciting.
But mostly I only talk about it online. The online community means a lot to me and I’m always happy to meet someone in real life, too.
Do you have the ability to Skype or that we meet on zoom sometime? I have a meeting room on zoom.
The feelings will still be there. Everything will continue to be there, there has never been a self. It was simply an erroneous assumption.
It’s just like realizing that there is no Santa Claus. Is something essential missing? Does the whole life change? Could you never be happy about presents anymore?
It’s the same with the self. What is missing was simply an erroneous assumption.
Best regards, Christiane


Dear Christiane.
Yes, I have a Skype account. So we can skype if you like. Today I noticed that maybe it’s not fear at all, but the mind clinging to the idea of a self. It’s always thinking about what’s going on with all the concepts that have been worked out for so long, all the ideas about life and how it should be… all of that is now obsolete and the mind is all the time trying to understand and reconcile the experience with the old concepts, which doesn’t really work. It is lagging behind the experience. And I notice how the thoughts turn again and again around the fact that he tries to adapt somehow. Whereby the question is whether the mind exists at all. But there are thoughts there, which are busy to bring out concepts and convictions and so on and to compare them with the new experiences and want to understand them, or are busy to clean them out. It is quite clear that there is no self and there are no more self experiences. But the thoughts are still lagging behind. I don’t know how else to describe it… There are so many concepts of life that one has taught oneself and nothing of it is coherent anymore. And so some things are not yet clear. So purely from the understanding. You also write that you enjoy some things, that you are rather introverted, etc. That means that all the characteristics of life are not clear anymore. That means that all these characteristics do not suddenly disappear. Yes, they are still there in my self. So they are not linked to the self that no longer exists? Experience says no, but it has not yet been understood.
It is also noticeable that something has changed quite unnoticed recently. I hardly eat sweets anymore. I react much more relaxed to criticism or stress. Lately, hardly anything upsets me. I get upset much less.
Have a nice weekend… We are at the Jessener Badesee and jump every now and then into the lukewarm water.

Dear Steffi,
thoughts (which we call the mind) cannot grasp experience, they can only name it. After all, they do not experience anything. We have all learned words, and now there are no words for this new experiential value in which you are now moving.
We all have a personality that has developed over time, with likes and dislikes, and that personality remains. Maybe it changes a bit, but the essential personality traits and preferences remain.
They are not attached to the idea of the self.
We have over 20 people in the group beyond the fetters and they are all different.
Shall we set up a time to meet online? I’m in Hamburg next week, which fits quite well, because with all the vacationers here, the speed of the internet is really problematic for conversations right now.
How about Wednesday at 2 pm? I would suggest zoom, they are more stable than Skype, I have an account there and send you the link. If you click on it, zoom will download and then you can enter the conversation.
Kind regards, Christiane

Yes, send me the link… Wednesday is ok. But in the evening would be better for me…. We are on the road after all and in the evening I can be sure that we have arrived somewhere…. Thank you

Ah, sure, I didn’t know you guys were traveling. Let’s say 6 pm?
Best regards, Christiane

We kind of always travel… yes, 6pm is good. See you then

Great, that suits me too. Then we see us on 8.8. at 18 clock – almost Schnapszahl. =D

Thanks for the link. Just installed the app. Until Wednesday then 😃

Buddha explained that there are 10 assumptions or 10 fetters that stand in the way of awakening. If you want to know what they are, read on here: Through the 10 Fetters to Awakening.