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Hi Steffi
Beliefs have started to collapse, one by one. About truth, meaning, importance, urgency… It feels like everything is falling away.
Adrienne
I forgot to add that there are times when I don’t notice the mechanism. I wake up only when the hand has already grabbed the phone.
Hi Steffi
This is the mechanism: a thought appears that says „I want to check this and this on the internet“, then the picture of the hand reaching out for the phone appears, then I feel sensations in the spine and the arm, and a sense that the hand „wants“ to reach out for the phone. I ask: „Where is this urge coming from?“ At this point the urge disappears, only to come back a few minutes later, when the whole thing happens again. And then again and again.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Seeing happened than a thought said „I’ve had it and I lost it.“ Then habitual thinking patterns covered up the whole thing.
Christiane said I should sit with my phone next to me when I feel the urge to use it and intone „I am not feeling calm and peaceful“. Then look for something that bridges the emotions with the action of reaching out for the phone. What’s happening here is that after saying this sentence the urge to reach out for my phone disappears and I don’t start using it. I might have misunderstood something. Also, it bothers me to use the word „I“ in the sentence, when it is obvious that these unpleasant feelings just appear on their own. When there is full consciousness, these sensations in the body are not intolerable at all. Attention rests on them and they disappear.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Every day there’s more and more mindfulness and less and less selfing. The remaining selfing thoughts are caught immediately. There is more understanding about how the world of thoughts is only fantasy and how reality is only this moment’s experiencing.
AdrienneHi Steffi,
Christiane thinks I should start fetters 4 and 5 because
– she thinks what I experience is the sense of aliveness and not the self illusion
– she thinks that when I had my shift (when I laughed and laughed) it wasn’t lost afterwards (although it feels to me that it faded or was partly lost).
The clarity of seeing was partly lost, I feel. I don’t know why the selfing continues. Shouldn’t it have stopped? Does it go on after the first 3 fetters are broken? I have noticed that semi-conscious selfing is reducing in frequency and I am more conscious of what’s happening in the mind. Also, there is gradually more and more mindfulness during the day.
I am often asking, Who is doing this? Is there a sense of self?
It is absolutely ridiculous that I could still buy into the self illusion sometimes. How can that happen, I wonder.
Christiane suggested working on my phone addiction with the sentence „I am not feeling calm and peaceful“. I have been doing that and my phone addiction has greatly reduced but I am not sure how this inquiry works.Adrienne
Hi Steffi
„The ME is a conceptual overlay over experiencing.“ This sentence hits home and makes the mind extremely quiet.
Although Christiane seems to think that I should start working on fetters 4 and 5, and I sometimes think so too, there is a feeling that the self-illusion hasn’t completely fallen yet. Something happened and silence keeps growing since then, but selfing is still here before „I“ notice it. What do you think?Adrienne
Hi Steffi
I have just realised how pervasive the sense of self is. Every time when I am not alert the belief in the thinker/doer/experiencer is there. However, alertness comes more and more often, bringing with it a short period of silence.
Adrienne
Thank you. I am doing something similar already. I try to really feel into the self, really wanting to look at it. It is so funny sometimes when I am in the middle of a very dramatic monologue and the question comes in, „Who the hell is talking?“ The sudden change in feeling, body sensation and thoughts is huge and very funny.
Hi Steffi
Could you please send me the exercise you mentioned in the meeting? Thanks.
I am following Leona’s advice and hunting down the sense of self. I notice selfing more and more often and question it and really feel into it. It’s making the mind extra quiet.
Adrienne
Hi Steffi
I have started self-inquiry again. I am going through my list of questions very slowly. Today I was investigating the sense of me in direct experience. This is what I came to: there is no ME in direct experience, but there is an assumption of an experiencer ME. This assumption or thought is so deeply buried in the psyche that it almost feels visceral, as if a sense or a sensation of something real. But it’s only a thought.
AdrienneHi Steffi
The sense of self to me was always the sense of „I am“, the sense of aliveness/being/presence. I was always investigating this sense, and I couldn’t find any ME in it. That’s why I didn’t understand the question „Is there a sense of self?“, or „Am I doing this?“ because there was this something (being/aliveness) that I couldn’t put my finger on, that is beyond the mind, that was obviously selfless when investigated. The self comes in when I am not investigating, not inquiring, not questioning. It sneaks in under the radar in a habitual and semi-conscious way.
Adrienne
Hi Steffi
I don’t understand your question. What does it mean to work with direct experience?
Adrienne
