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Hi Steffi
I’m sorry about your uncle. Please accept my condolences.
Yes, I will take a break.
December 9 is fine with me. Is this the same group? How do I join? What about the November open fetter group?Adrienne
Hi Steffi
Self-inquiry seems to have stopped. Meditation and mindfulness practice still continues.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Something moves attention back again and again to the silence, away from the thoughts.
AdrienneHi Steffi
It’s all about the realisation that you can’t believe thoughts. It’s awakening from the world of thoughts.
AdrienneHi Steffi
When I go back to thoughts (as you asked) to see the expectations, I find frustration, desperation and insomnia.
I’m wondering, who goes back to thoughts? Who decides to investigate something? Who allows body sensations to be? And who wants to know? Who wants to wake up?
AdrienneHi Steffi
Yes, there are expectations. The me is expecting and hoping for an energetic shift. It wants to get on with the fetter work and get it all done quickly.
Frustration is rising up in the body again. It is felt and accepted. It’s 3:18 am and the body can’t sleep. Again. As if to prove that there is no progression. The me desperately wants to see progression.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Expectations. The process of awakening seems to be happening on its own. What thoughts are saying at this moment is that things are progressing well and everything is on track. All progression is just an illusion though. There is no seeker here on a path. Things seem to be changing, however. The mind is getting quieter, the mood is getting more even, the sleep is better. This „process“ will probably continue – says a thought. Who knows where. It’s all unexplored territory.
Thoughts are saying that there actually was a shift when after a Vince session the trauma and the me were let go of. That’s when the mind fell silent (a few months ago).
It seems like in my case awakening is taking the form of a series of mini shifts.
As irritation and anger seem to be such an important issue at the moment, I thought it’s time to begin to ask if there is any reason to react angrily. What do you think?
AdrienneHi Steffi
I haven’t worked with another guide for months and I am not working on anything they suggested.
Okay, I will write down my expectations and observe when the sense of self arises.
What I have noticed is that anger and irritation is here more intesely than before. It is usually connected with my son, who drives me crazy with his shouting. That seems to be a good time to investage the sense of self.
AdrienneHi Steffi
When there is a self-referential thought appearing here, the body looks around and asks, „Where is this I?“ Of course, the I can’t be found. It can’t be seen/heard/smelled/felt. It’s a thought. There were some sad thoughts here today and the body actually started to cry. Then suddenly the realisation came that these are just thoughts and there is no-one thinking them and no-one hearing them. All crying and sad feelings stopped. I don’t think this was bypassing, just realising that there is absolutely no reason to be sad.
AdrienneHi Steffi
This body has suffered from insomnia for about 30 years now. But for the first time in 30 years I have started to sleep well. I go to bed and the mind is silent. I fall asleep quickly and sleep well until 7 in the morning. What a miracle!
Frustration has completely disappeared. Desperation is gone. Everything has calmed down. The body still reacts with anger or irritation sometimes, but that is the only negative emotion here.
Somehow it feels like seeking is slowly coming to a stop.
Investigating the sense of self in the stomach, but can’t find any self. The sense of self is strongest when the body feels anger in the stomach.
Does it feel like there is a me here? Someone with an agenda? When I rush about doing things, it certainly feels like I am doing these things. But when the thought comes „Am I doing this?“ I can’t find anyone, and it’s obvious that the me is only a thought. The me can’t do anything. It’s a habit of thought and feeling, something with a lot of momentum, that is slowing down now.
AdrienneHi Steffi
That feeling in the stomach – that seems to be the sense of me. That sensation is strongly associated with the me. Looking for a me there – nothing. It’s only a sensation with the I-thought attached to it. It’s the centre of the body, where the feeling of aliveness is the strongest. It’s also the place where emotions are felt. Negative emotions produce a very unpleasant sensation there. Because that place is associated with the me, it feels like I am angry/frustrated/envious. I will investigate that sensation and will keep looking for the self in there.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Still trying to find the sense of self, but it’s very elusive. What is it??? It’s a thought that says „I’m here“. And another that says „This is my body and I am alive“. The body is certainly alive, there is this feeling of aliveness or being, which is not a thought. But saying that this aliveness is me is a thought. There is this body that is alive, it’s breathing, it’s sensing/ perceiving, it’s thinking. But to add to it a me that is a controller, a manager, is not necessary. This body does everything on its own. The me is a thought that can’t do anything. What thoughts appear doesn’t really matter. They matter only for the imaginary me. Only the imaginary me cares about anything. The body prefers pleasure to pain, like all animal bodies, and prefers to stay alive. But only the imaginary me wants to wake up. I am not identifying with the body / the thinker / the doer / the experiencer because there is no I. All identification is a thought.
AdrienneHi Steffi
I am not sure there is still a sense of self here. What is that really, other than the I-thought? Is it the knot in the stomach when triggered, somehow associated with the me? Or is it a sense of the doer / thinker / experiencer? But that is just a thought too. All I find is thoughts about the me. Without thoughts there is no sense of self at all.
Adrienne
