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Hi Steffi
Thank you. I will do that. Where is the one that is thinking? Looking with the senses, always as if looking for the first time. I’ll try that.
Adrienne
Hi Steffi
Life is slowly changing back to what it was like 2 years ago, before spiritual seeking started. No-one can stop the falling away of seeking. The thoughts are more and more about work (teaching), and less and less about self-inquiry. I didn’t start the seeking – it happened on its own. I am not giving up or stopping anything. It’s all just happening.
AdrienneHi Steffi
It is very clear that self is only a label, a thought. You can’t see a thought’s content with your eyes. This is obvious. There is a bodymind that calls itself I, and when it does that, it thinks that this I is a separate entity, an owner and controller of the bodymind, when in fact the bodymind doesn’t need an owner or a controller. Life has always happened without the I, and it doesn’t matter what thoughts say. Thoughts create a parallel world where the I is in control, and the mind is fixated on this world. But reality doesn’t happen in this world. It’s not the content of thoughts. It is more immediate, more basic and more fundamental than the complicated world of thoughts.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Yesterday I went for a long walk. It was so peaceful. I know you are tired of hearing this, but the mind got even more quiet. Thoughts are dying but things get done efficiently. I was walking in total silence, admiring nature around me. Life is happening, but not in thoughts. That is the point.
AdrienneHi Steffi
The imaginary self manifests itself when the body is reacting to a situation out of conditioning.
It is usually in the form of irritation these days or it can be envy. There is an intense unpleasant sensation in the stomach that the body wants to distract from by actions like shouting or crying.
When my friend had an awakening a few months ago, I felt intense envy. I was trying to do self-inquiry as to who is feeling this envy, but I was too upset at the time. How do you recommend inquiring into the sense of self? How do you look? Not with your eyes, then how?
AdrienneHi Steffi
The self is a thought, a label, a word. It appears in thoughts only. What is it that believes or doesn’t believe thoughts? Another thought that says „This is true“, or „This is not true“. „I have to…“, „I want to…“ say some thoughts, and others answer „There is no I. This is just selfing.“ Thoughts talking to thoughts. None of this matters. The body goes around doing its things anyway – with a silent mind or with a noisy mind, with the I-thought believed or not believed.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Monday entry.
Life seems to be going back to the way it was two years ago, before spiritual seeking began. Seeking is falling away.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Sunday entry.
It is clear now that reactions are all based on believing thoughts. Does the body want anything? Sure, it has its needs. Sure, it prefers pleasure to pain, like any animal’s body would. But beyond that, can a body really want anything? All wants and don’t wants seem to be coming from the imaginary me, the one that lives in thought only. It strikes me that awakening is all about realizing that thoughts are not to be believed.
AdrienneHi Steffi,
Saturday entry.
The mind is getting even more quiet. When a thought appears, it is usually seen very clearly as a thought and it can’t usually suck attention in as it used to be able to (except when showering!).
The mood is neutral and things are accepted more easily.Adrienne
Hi Steffi
There used to be expectations. The character still has a little hope for liberation. Wants and shoulds and expectations and hopes – all the domain of the character in storyland. It doesn’t matter at all what thoughts say about the I. The body goes around doing its things while thoughts chatter about all kinds of nonsense. „I haven’t had a shift!“ shouts a thought. „I don’t get it!!“ shouts another one. „It’s not fair!!!“ cries a third thought. It doesn’t matter at all what they say. The seeker, who desperately wants to wake up, who is thrashing about in despair, is a film star, a tragic hero. It doesn’t matter what the I expects or hopes for. It doesn’t matter at all.
AdrienneHi Steffi
I have read many similar descriptions for sure. Who knows where stuff comes from?
Thoughts about the I are immediately questioned by other thoughts and not believed. There is a story running at the moment about the I giving up on awakening, but it is clearly seen that there is no-one here to give up. Seeking always happened without the I, even though there were thoughts about the I wanting to wake up.
A lot of it is conclusions that the mind drew after contemplating self-inquiry questions. After asking hundreds of times about the sense of self, and looking and looking again. The conclusion is that there is no real separate self. That it is just a made-up character. But there hasn’t been any shift in perception, and the seeker in the story is fed up with seeking and is giving up. The thoughts about the I giving up are accompanied by unpleasant feelings in the body, which are allowed to be.
So is no self the experience here? Yes and no. Thoughts are still affecting the body, although they are not believed any more.
There is a constant unhappy mood that feels like grief that somehow came with the silence.
There is still a tiny little hope left here, although it is seen that hope belongs to the character.
AdrienneHi Steffi,
Tuesday entry.
There is no real, separate, inherent self.
To me it means that the I of the thoughts that appear in the mind is just an imaginary character in the many stories the mind creates around this figure. This imaginary I controls the body, the mind, and experiences life. In reality, there is no such entity. The body lives, acts, thinks and experiences on its own. It doesn’t need a manager at all. The body is the hardware, the brain programme is the software. There is no need for a third thing – a controller. Everything happens without the I – it doesn’t matter what thoughts say. The body is part of nature, belongs to the Earth, to the ecosystem, like a rabbit or a lion does. The body seems to be experiencing a constant flow of sensations, while attention is usually looking at thoughts, which seem more important, and which usually have nothing to do with what is happening now.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Monday entry.
I think what’s happening here is that the mind has given up. It’s not trying to figure this out any more. It’s not throwing tantrums any more, either, in the form of frustration. It has sort of resigned to the situation – that there is nothing to do, nothing to understand, and no-one to understand. Resigned to the fact that there is no shift. That there is only silence. Accepted the fact that the one who was hoping for a shift doesn’t exist. It still feels like it is the seeker that is giving up. Everything is getting more quiet. Maybe surrender is the right word.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Sunday entry.
Is there any separation from this moment’s experience?
How could there be any separation from this moment’s experience? All there is is this moment’s experience.
Is the body experiencing? It cannot be known. The body is experienced, but is it experiencing? Do the eyes see? Do the ears hear? How are we to know? There is this picture in front of the body. With eyes closed, the picture disappears.
What is separate from what? Is there an I separate from what is? There is no I, but there is a body. The body seems to be separate. although it wouldn’t be able to survive without its environment.
What can be known at all? Who wants to know? There is a constant flow of sensations – does it matter if it is real or not?Adrienne
Hi Steffi
Saturday entry.
Today the main questions were: Is there anything else apart from experiencing? Is the body experiencing or is it experienced?
There is nothing apart from experiencing. The body is experiencing and the body is experienced. When the body looks at the body, the body is both experiencing and is experienced.
Is there anything separate from what is? No. The body is also what is. Thoughts about the I are also what is. Is there anything not okay with what is? Everything is okay now. The mind is quiet. Self-referential thoughts are dying. Frustration has disappeared. Everything is calm and peaceful now.
Every morning, when I woke up, there used to be this intense feeling of something being deeply wrong. It was always just a brief but intense experience. This morning there was no such experience. Is something changing? We’ll see.Adrienne
