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Hi Steffi
When there is a self-referential thought appearing here, the body looks around and asks, „Where is this I?“ Of course, the I can’t be found. It can’t be seen/heard/smelled/felt. It’s a thought. There were some sad thoughts here today and the body actually started to cry. Then suddenly the realisation came that these are just thoughts and there is no-one thinking them and no-one hearing them. All crying and sad feelings stopped. I don’t think this was bypassing, just realising that there is absolutely no reason to be sad.
AdrienneHi Steffi
This body has suffered from insomnia for about 30 years now. But for the first time in 30 years I have started to sleep well. I go to bed and the mind is silent. I fall asleep quickly and sleep well until 7 in the morning. What a miracle!
Frustration has completely disappeared. Desperation is gone. Everything has calmed down. The body still reacts with anger or irritation sometimes, but that is the only negative emotion here.
Somehow it feels like seeking is slowly coming to a stop.
Investigating the sense of self in the stomach, but can’t find any self. The sense of self is strongest when the body feels anger in the stomach.
Does it feel like there is a me here? Someone with an agenda? When I rush about doing things, it certainly feels like I am doing these things. But when the thought comes „Am I doing this?“ I can’t find anyone, and it’s obvious that the me is only a thought. The me can’t do anything. It’s a habit of thought and feeling, something with a lot of momentum, that is slowing down now.
AdrienneHi Steffi
That feeling in the stomach – that seems to be the sense of me. That sensation is strongly associated with the me. Looking for a me there – nothing. It’s only a sensation with the I-thought attached to it. It’s the centre of the body, where the feeling of aliveness is the strongest. It’s also the place where emotions are felt. Negative emotions produce a very unpleasant sensation there. Because that place is associated with the me, it feels like I am angry/frustrated/envious. I will investigate that sensation and will keep looking for the self in there.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Still trying to find the sense of self, but it’s very elusive. What is it??? It’s a thought that says „I’m here“. And another that says „This is my body and I am alive“. The body is certainly alive, there is this feeling of aliveness or being, which is not a thought. But saying that this aliveness is me is a thought. There is this body that is alive, it’s breathing, it’s sensing/ perceiving, it’s thinking. But to add to it a me that is a controller, a manager, is not necessary. This body does everything on its own. The me is a thought that can’t do anything. What thoughts appear doesn’t really matter. They matter only for the imaginary me. Only the imaginary me cares about anything. The body prefers pleasure to pain, like all animal bodies, and prefers to stay alive. But only the imaginary me wants to wake up. I am not identifying with the body / the thinker / the doer / the experiencer because there is no I. All identification is a thought.
AdrienneHi Steffi
I am not sure there is still a sense of self here. What is that really, other than the I-thought? Is it the knot in the stomach when triggered, somehow associated with the me? Or is it a sense of the doer / thinker / experiencer? But that is just a thought too. All I find is thoughts about the me. Without thoughts there is no sense of self at all.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Thank you. I will do that. Where is the one that is thinking? Looking with the senses, always as if looking for the first time. I’ll try that.
Adrienne
Hi Steffi
Life is slowly changing back to what it was like 2 years ago, before spiritual seeking started. No-one can stop the falling away of seeking. The thoughts are more and more about work (teaching), and less and less about self-inquiry. I didn’t start the seeking – it happened on its own. I am not giving up or stopping anything. It’s all just happening.
AdrienneHi Steffi
It is very clear that self is only a label, a thought. You can’t see a thought’s content with your eyes. This is obvious. There is a bodymind that calls itself I, and when it does that, it thinks that this I is a separate entity, an owner and controller of the bodymind, when in fact the bodymind doesn’t need an owner or a controller. Life has always happened without the I, and it doesn’t matter what thoughts say. Thoughts create a parallel world where the I is in control, and the mind is fixated on this world. But reality doesn’t happen in this world. It’s not the content of thoughts. It is more immediate, more basic and more fundamental than the complicated world of thoughts.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Yesterday I went for a long walk. It was so peaceful. I know you are tired of hearing this, but the mind got even more quiet. Thoughts are dying but things get done efficiently. I was walking in total silence, admiring nature around me. Life is happening, but not in thoughts. That is the point.
AdrienneHi Steffi
The imaginary self manifests itself when the body is reacting to a situation out of conditioning.
It is usually in the form of irritation these days or it can be envy. There is an intense unpleasant sensation in the stomach that the body wants to distract from by actions like shouting or crying.
When my friend had an awakening a few months ago, I felt intense envy. I was trying to do self-inquiry as to who is feeling this envy, but I was too upset at the time. How do you recommend inquiring into the sense of self? How do you look? Not with your eyes, then how?
AdrienneHi Steffi
The self is a thought, a label, a word. It appears in thoughts only. What is it that believes or doesn’t believe thoughts? Another thought that says „This is true“, or „This is not true“. „I have to…“, „I want to…“ say some thoughts, and others answer „There is no I. This is just selfing.“ Thoughts talking to thoughts. None of this matters. The body goes around doing its things anyway – with a silent mind or with a noisy mind, with the I-thought believed or not believed.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Monday entry.
Life seems to be going back to the way it was two years ago, before spiritual seeking began. Seeking is falling away.
AdrienneHi Steffi
Sunday entry.
It is clear now that reactions are all based on believing thoughts. Does the body want anything? Sure, it has its needs. Sure, it prefers pleasure to pain, like any animal’s body would. But beyond that, can a body really want anything? All wants and don’t wants seem to be coming from the imaginary me, the one that lives in thought only. It strikes me that awakening is all about realizing that thoughts are not to be believed.
AdrienneHi Steffi,
Saturday entry.
The mind is getting even more quiet. When a thought appears, it is usually seen very clearly as a thought and it can’t usually suck attention in as it used to be able to (except when showering!).
The mood is neutral and things are accepted more easily.Adrienne
Hi Steffi
There used to be expectations. The character still has a little hope for liberation. Wants and shoulds and expectations and hopes – all the domain of the character in storyland. It doesn’t matter at all what thoughts say about the I. The body goes around doing its things while thoughts chatter about all kinds of nonsense. „I haven’t had a shift!“ shouts a thought. „I don’t get it!!“ shouts another one. „It’s not fair!!!“ cries a third thought. It doesn’t matter at all what they say. The seeker, who desperately wants to wake up, who is thrashing about in despair, is a film star, a tragic hero. It doesn’t matter what the I expects or hopes for. It doesn’t matter at all.
Adrienne
