[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

I have read many similar descriptions for sure. Who knows where stuff comes from?
Thoughts about the I are immediately questioned by other thoughts and not believed. There is a story running at the moment about the I giving up on awakening, but it is clearly seen that there is no-one here to give up. Seeking always happened without the I, even though there were thoughts about the I wanting to wake up.
A lot of it is conclusions that the mind drew after contemplating self-inquiry questions. After asking hundreds of times about the sense of self, and looking and looking again. The conclusion is that there is no real separate self. That it is just a made-up character. But there hasn’t been any shift in perception, and the seeker in the story is fed up with seeking and is giving up. The thoughts about the I giving up are accompanied by unpleasant feelings in the body, which are allowed to be.
So is no self the experience here? Yes and no. Thoughts are still affecting the body, although they are not believed any more.
There is a constant unhappy mood that feels like grief that somehow came with the silence.
There is still a tiny little hope left here, although it is seen that hope belongs to the character.
Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi,

Tuesday entry.
There is no real, separate, inherent self.
To me it means that the I of the thoughts that appear in the mind is just an imaginary character in the many stories the mind creates around this figure. This imaginary I controls the body, the mind, and experiences life. In reality, there is no such entity. The body lives, acts, thinks and experiences on its own. It doesn’t need a manager at all. The body is the hardware, the brain programme is the software. There is no need for a third thing – a controller. Everything happens without the I – it doesn’t matter what thoughts say. The body is part of nature, belongs to the Earth, to the ecosystem, like a rabbit or a lion does. The body seems to be experiencing a constant flow of sensations, while attention is usually looking at thoughts, which seem more important, and which usually have nothing to do with what is happening now.
Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

Monday entry.
I think what’s happening here is that the mind has given up. It’s not trying to figure this out any more. It’s not throwing tantrums any more, either, in the form of frustration. It has sort of resigned to the situation – that there is nothing to do, nothing to understand, and no-one to understand. Resigned to the fact that there is no shift. That there is only silence. Accepted the fact that the one who was hoping for a shift doesn’t exist. It still feels like it is the seeker that is giving up. Everything is getting more quiet. Maybe surrender is the right word.
Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

Sunday entry.
Is there any separation from this moment’s experience?
How could there be any separation from this moment’s experience? All there is is this moment’s experience.
Is the body experiencing? It cannot be known. The body is experienced, but is it experiencing? Do the eyes see? Do the ears hear? How are we to know? There is this picture in front of the body. With eyes closed, the picture disappears.
What is separate from what? Is there an I separate from what is? There is no I, but there is a body. The body seems to be separate. although it wouldn’t be able to survive without its environment.
What can be known at all? Who wants to know? There is a constant flow of sensations – does it matter if it is real or not?

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

Saturday entry.
Today the main questions were: Is there anything else apart from experiencing? Is the body experiencing or is it experienced?
There is nothing apart from experiencing. The body is experiencing and the body is experienced. When the body looks at the body, the body is both experiencing and is experienced.
Is there anything separate from what is? No. The body is also what is. Thoughts about the I are also what is. Is there anything not okay with what is? Everything is okay now. The mind is quiet. Self-referential thoughts are dying. Frustration has disappeared. Everything is calm and peaceful now.
Every morning, when I woke up, there used to be this intense feeling of something being deeply wrong. It was always just a brief but intense experience. This morning there was no such experience. Is something changing? We’ll see.

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

When is the next Open Fetter meeting, please?

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Dear Steffi

This is my Friday entry.
Self-inquiry happened in every free moment. The question that was found most intriguing was „Is there a me separate from what’s happening?“ It is obvious that there is only a continuos flow of sensations. Seeing, hearing, smelling, body sensations, thoughts. Even thoughts are sensations too. Even the I-thought is just part of this continuous flow of sensations. Is there an observer separate from this flow? No, because the observer is just a thought, which is just part of the flow. There is nothing outside the flow. Everything is either a sight, a noise, a smell, a touch, a taste, other body sensations, or thoughts. There is nothing else.
There is a thought that says, „But I still feel separate“. This „I“, however, doesn’t exist. It is only a thought. How could a thought feel anything?
There was no frustration today. On the other hand, there is still reactivity – getting irritated. Automatic reaction of the body to certain stimuli, like my son shouting loudly close to me. There is a thought saying, „I wonder if reactivity will ever stop“.

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

I will not abandon the inquiry, even if it feels unpleasant.
I am ready to question all my beliefs and be 100% honest.
I will concentrate fully on my inquiry.
Something seems to be happening. There is clear seeing that the I is just a label, just a character in a story. The mind is very quiet. Thoughts are usually teaching related or self-inquiry. There are some self-referential thoughts, but they are immediately questioned by other thoughts. There is somehow no more frustration.

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Dear Steffi

I am so grateful for your help. It is so kind and generous of you! Thank you.
Yes, I am ready to make this my top priority. In fact, it has been my top priority for two years.
Yes, I will write to you daily.
I haven’t been reading much lately, only Christiane’s book and Gateless Gatecrashers. I will put all books aside.
I haven’t been watching many videos on spirituality because I don’t find them interesting any more. I won’t watch any more.
I don’t go to any satsangs. I am not a member of any group any more.
The only practice I have is meditation. It feels so nice to meditate. Are you asking me to stop meditating?

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

Thank you very much. That would be awesome! I teach Hungarian to foreigners and English to Hungarians. I was a teacher before my son was born, and now that he’s 14, I have started teaching again, giving free lessons. However, one of my students recently offered to pay.

I have been reading Gateless Gatecrashers and working with the questions. Everything is so clear and obvious. The mind has never been so quiet.

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

I would so much like to be guided by you in a more intensive way. I will have to see if I can pay the £80 contribution per month. I might not be able to. I am a homemaker, home educating my son. I haven’t got any income at all, only child benefit. However, I recently started giving private lessons, and my student might start to pay soon. How reliable that will be I don’t know.
I will let you know what’s happening.
Saying out loud „There is no self!“ feels familiar. I have known this for a while. Nothing is shifting though. Piles of frustration getting in the way. Will try to focus more.

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

I am doing Christiane’s exercises. I have done these many times before, and I have seen what had to be seen. The only new thing so far is that it is clear now that awareness is a concept and it is not in direct experience. Hearing a sound is the same as knowing a sound. In fact, there is only the sound.

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

There is a strong feeling sometimes that something is deeply wrong here, that things are not okay. It is a deep dissatisfaction with everything. It is a thought and an unpleasant sensation in the body. It is one manifestation of the I belief. On the other hand, there is an equally strong belief in no self. And in between, frustration.

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

Please tell me more about the daily 1:1. How does it work? Can’t you be my guide? How much does it cost? And what makes you think that I still have a lot to work through?

There is no expectation here that thoughts should cease. It is just my own experience that the mind is getting quieter and quieter.

What is awareness? The way I see it, it is an openness, a receptivity to phenomena.

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

I have ordered Christiane’s book.

Adrienne

[Autor]

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