My Shift: When I Realized There Is No Self

In the autumn of 2017, I saw through the illusion of self.
This is the story of that investigation.
It describes the path from the first doubt to the moment when it became clear:
The self that I had taken for granted my entire life does not exist.

Is there a self that thinks, experiences, chooses, decides, acts?

In the past I would have answered: “Of course there is. I am that! I think, I decide, I act!”

I am the one who controls my body! I am the one in charge, the one who says where things are going! The highest decision-making centre. The pilot.

But then something happened that threw my self off balance. I looked a little more closely.

And just one small observation brought everything into question.

🔹 Background to the First Fetter: Seeing Through the Illusion of Self

Who Actually Controls the Body?

Hold one hand in front of you with the palm facing upward. Then turn the palm downward – and back again. Keep doing this and watch like a hawk: Is there anyone or anything that gives the command to turn the hand and causes it to happen, something that controls the movement?

It is tempting not to do this exercise. Because the answer seems obvious: Me. I give the command to turn the hand. I control the movement. Me, obviously!

Until then I had simply assumed that this was true. I had never questioned that assumption.

But fine, I can at least try.

I did this thing with the hand over and over again and tried to get to the bottom of it. I observed everything in my body again and again.

It is eerie.

The body basically does whatever it wants. I tell it: Turn the hand. And then the hand turns. Or it doesn’t. Or it turns without me having done or said anything at all.

In fact, everything works like this. I cannot control anything. It breathes by itself. The heart beats by itself. Walking happens by itself.

Whenever I try to control any of it, everything suddenly becomes worse, slower. If I could control the body, it would probably stop functioning. I cannot keep everything “running” at once. So everything happens automatically. Without finding anyone, including myself, or anything that controls the whole thing.

So I am not the one who controls and acts.

But surely I am the one who thinks!

Okay, let’s take a closer look.

Am I the One Who Thinks?

I sit down. A thought appears. No idea where it came from. It is suddenly just there. Then it disappears. And a new thought appears. I cannot predict which thought will come next. I have absolutely no influence over it. Thoughts simply do whatever they want. Thoughts do not come from me. I am not the one who thinks! Wow, this is eerie.

But surely I am the one who experiences. The one who sees, who hears, who smells.

Am I the One Who Experiences?

I sit down in the grass and hear a sound. I discover the cricket making the sound. I can see the cricket, I can hear the sound. But where is the self that hears? Experiencing consists only of hearing and seeing. But where is the one who experiences?

Well, she is sitting there in the grass next to the cricket!

Aha, so I am the body!

The Search Becomes Eerie

When I think the word “body”, an image appears before my mind’s eye that resembles my reflection, but not as clearly. I do not feel my body, or the body, when I do this. Only a slight pressure here and there, or a movement – tension, relaxation.

Interesting. As soon as I close my eyes, I cannot say how large my body is. Whether it even has a particular shape. I cannot say where my body ends and the floor begins. I cannot feel my toes.

When I point to the self, my finger lands on my breastbone.

But I only feel a movement there. Up and down. Sometimes a slight pressure. And warmth. That is all.

Nothing that I feel there is proof of the self (me).

When I think “Me, Steffi”, no feeling appears anywhere. Nothing appears at all.

I still looked throughout the entire body.

I feel tingling here and there, especially in my feet and fingers. Pressure, tension and relaxation. Movement, wind in my nose, warmth behind my ears, tension in my neck. Some places I can hardly feel at all. There is a pulsing in my head and somehow a great emptiness can also be felt. That is more or less everything I feel.

Is the self somewhere in there? The more I search for it, the less I know what I am even looking for… no, it is worse than that.

Somehow my thoughts seem to be trying to stop me from searching. On the one hand I have found nothing except bodily sensations, but then I suddenly “forgot” what the self even is. Isn’t the self perhaps the tingling in my fingers… or the breath… I don’t even know how to describe it.

Do you know that brief moment of panic when you are standing outside your door and cannot find your key?

The fact that I cannot find anything that I could describe as a self unsettles me greatly. I had firmly assumed that there was something there. And now I can find nothing.

I need to find out more before I can be convinced that there is no self.

Who Is Actually Walking?

I stand up. I walk 5 steps in one direction and then 5 steps in the other. Who is actually walking? Who coordinates all of this? Who lifts the legs and puts them down again? Who decides to turn left or right?

Oh man, this can’t be true! Nobody coordinates or decides. It simply happens. All by itself. I certainly do none of it.

I am not the body and I do not move it.

Then am I the one who experiences?

Thoughts Only Describe

I look around. Looking out the car window, all kinds of images pass by. I notice how they are all named in thought. Raindrops running down the windscreen. Road signs flying past. Red, blue and white cars overtaking me. The red taillights in front of me. Green trees and fields. The grey sky with dark clouds.

Now I try to leave out the naming of things. Now I actually see only lines. From very short to infinitely long. Sometimes wide, sometimes narrow. Straight, curved, bent. Some connected in such a way that they form surfaces. Some barely stand out from their surroundings. Others shine. Or they create a strong contrast with what is around them. Everything is filled with a droning sound. Overlaid by a deeper droning sound. I hear a rattling. Not rhythmic. Bright. Sometimes louder, sometimes quieter. In my legs I feel a tingling. Sometimes in my feet as well. Every now and then my body bounces in the seat. Moves back and forth. Under my hand I occasionally feel something very soft and warm. My hand moves gently across it. I taste something very sweet. It feels firm, but also soft. I hear a crack.

Wow, this somehow feels very different. Everything I perceive is somehow already there. Everything that happens, happens by itself. Without me having to do anything. My self is not “out there” either. I cannot find it in the material world. Not outside my body. But not inside either. At least not with the 5 senses. There are only thoughts in which a self appears.

I walk down a street and perceive all kinds of things. Completely without any thoughts. Then suddenly the thought appears: “I am walking”, “I am walking down the street”, “I see a red sign”, “I see a stop sign”.

This thought “I see” can neither make seeing happen nor stop it. Seeing simply happens. Always. Thoughts seem to have the job of describing everything that is seen. Putting it into words so that it can be spoken about. But they always do it afterwards.

They describe everything that is happening, has happened and may happen. They turn experience into words. But experience is there even without thoughts. It does not need words.

Click

But what is meant by the word self? If walking happens without a self, then why the word self? What does it point to? I no longer know who or what it is supposed to refer to. When I see the one in the mirror, thoughts think: that’s me. But what I see is not a self that controls and directs, thinks or feels. What is the self?

Who or what is thinking about all of this? Who or what is searching everywhere for the self? Who or what is writing this right now? Yes, who or what is searching for itself…

Click

There is no entity that looks, thinks and observes. Thinking and observing simply happen, completely without intention or someone doing them.

There is no self that thinks, directs, controls, decides, that actually exists. It is only a thought. An invention.

Wow.

I am in Greece right now and walking through the shallow water of a small bay. When I see something, I think: colour-image. When I hear something: sound. When I touch something: touch. When I smell or taste something: smell, taste. When I think something: thought.

And I look to see whether there is a self underneath the things I experience.

After a while it becomes quiet. Thoughts calm down and become fewer and fewer. Through the constant naming and judging, thoughts place everything that is experienced into a context. And at some point that context is simply gone. It feels like an eternity, but it is probably only a few minutes. There is no place anymore and no time. My body can no longer be felt. There are only sounds and colours left… It is like another world. In which everything is gone, but nothing is missing. It is only brief. Some event brings it to an end. Was there a self underneath the things? There were no things at all…

Wow again.

Afterwards

I repeated this a few more times. But I was unable to do it.

Until I realised that nothing needs to be done. It is always there. You just often do not see it. Whenever a thought goes and before a new thought comes, it can be seen. Like an automatic sliding door that opens and closes. And when it is open, you see what is behind it. Or rather, you feel it. Often it is only a very brief moment. Then a new thought comes and it is gone. Sometimes it can hardly be felt, or not at all. Sometimes, however, the moment lasts a little longer.

And then there is only seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling and tasting. No place and no time. Even the term Now does not really fit, though it comes closest. The next thought appears and you are back in a place, at a particular time. Without thoughts, none of that exists. No just now, no in a moment. No good or bad.

There is no self.

I am 100% certain and have no doubts left.

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🔹 Background to the First Fetter: Seeing Through the Illusion of Self

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