Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

I have read many similar descriptions for sure. Who knows where stuff comes from?
Thoughts about the I are immediately questioned by other thoughts and not believed. There is a story running at the moment about the I giving up on awakening, but it is clearly seen that there is no-one here to give up. Seeking always happened without the I, even though there were thoughts about the I wanting to wake up.
A lot of it is conclusions that the mind drew after contemplating self-inquiry questions. After asking hundreds of times about the sense of self, and looking and looking again. The conclusion is that there is no real separate self. That it is just a made-up character. But there hasn’t been any shift in perception, and the seeker in the story is fed up with seeking and is giving up. The thoughts about the I giving up are accompanied by unpleasant feelings in the body, which are allowed to be.
So is no self the experience here? Yes and no. Thoughts are still affecting the body, although they are not believed any more.
There is a constant unhappy mood that feels like grief that somehow came with the silence.
There is still a tiny little hope left here, although it is seen that hope belongs to the character.
Adrienne

[Steffi]

Thank you, Adrienne!

What do you expect that liberation is going to be like?
What do you want from it?
How do you imagine a liberated human behaves?
What should it be like?
What will it give you, what do you hope for?
What don’t you want it to be like?

🙂

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

There used to be expectations. The character still has a little hope for liberation. Wants and shoulds and expectations and hopes – all the domain of the character in storyland. It doesn’t matter at all what thoughts say about the I. The body goes around doing its things while thoughts chatter about all kinds of nonsense. „I haven’t had a shift!“ shouts a thought. „I don’t get it!!“ shouts another one. „It’s not fair!!!“ cries a third thought. It doesn’t matter at all what they say. The seeker, who desperately wants to wake up, who is thrashing about in despair, is a film star, a tragic hero. It doesn’t matter what the I expects or hopes for. It doesn’t matter at all.
Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi,

Saturday entry.
The mind is getting even more quiet. When a thought appears, it is usually seen very clearly as a thought and it can’t usually suck attention in as it used to be able to (except when showering!).
The mood is neutral and things are accepted more easily.

Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

Sunday entry.
It is clear now that reactions are all based on believing thoughts. Does the body want anything? Sure, it has its needs. Sure, it prefers pleasure to pain, like any animal’s body would. But beyond that, can a body really want anything? All wants and don’t wants seem to be coming from the imaginary me, the one that lives in thought only. It strikes me that awakening is all about realizing that thoughts are not to be believed.
Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

Monday entry.
Life seems to be going back to the way it was two years ago, before spiritual seeking began. Seeking is falling away.
Adrienne

[Steffi]

Dear Adrienne!

So what is the self and how does it manifest itself?

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

The self is a thought, a label, a word. It appears in thoughts only. What is it that believes or doesn’t believe thoughts? Another thought that says „This is true“, or „This is not true“. „I have to…“, „I want to…“ say some thoughts, and others answer „There is no I. This is just selfing.“ Thoughts talking to thoughts. None of this matters. The body goes around doing its things anyway – with a silent mind or with a noisy mind, with the I-thought believed or not believed.
Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

The imaginary self manifests itself when the body is reacting to a situation out of conditioning.
It is usually in the form of irritation these days or it can be envy. There is an intense unpleasant sensation in the stomach that the body wants to distract from by actions like shouting or crying.
When my friend had an awakening a few months ago, I felt intense envy. I was trying to do self-inquiry as to who is feeling this envy, but I was too upset at the time. How do you recommend inquiring into the sense of self? How do you look? Not with your eyes, then how?
Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

Yesterday I went for a long walk. It was so peaceful. I know you are tired of hearing this, but the mind got even more quiet. Thoughts are dying but things get done efficiently. I was walking in total silence, admiring nature around me. Life is happening, but not in thoughts. That is the point.
Adrienne

[Steffi]

[quote quote=1609]Hi Steffi
The imaginary self manifests itself when the body is reacting to a situation out of conditioning. It is usually in the form of irritation these days or it can be envy. There is an intense unpleasant sensation in the stomach that the body wants to distract from by actions like shouting or crying. When my friend had an awakening a few months ago, I felt intense envy. I was trying to do self-inquiry as to who is feeling this envy, but I was too upset at the time. How do you recommend inquiring into the sense of self? How do you look? Not with your eyes, then how? Adrienne[/quote]

Dear Adrienne! Thank you for writing daily and letting me be a part of it. How to explore the self is a very good question. We look at the self with the five senses: Hearing, seeing, touching, smelling and tasting. And we look to see if we can find a true self in the self sense. So yes, I looked with my eyes. How do you look? Please explain in detail how you look for the self.

Have a nice weekend 🙂

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

It is very clear that self is only a label, a thought. You can’t see a thought’s content with your eyes. This is obvious. There is a bodymind that calls itself I, and when it does that, it thinks that this I is a separate entity, an owner and controller of the bodymind, when in fact the bodymind doesn’t need an owner or a controller. Life has always happened without the I, and it doesn’t matter what thoughts say. Thoughts create a parallel world where the I is in control, and the mind is fixated on this world. But reality doesn’t happen in this world. It’s not the content of thoughts. It is more immediate, more basic and more fundamental than the complicated world of thoughts.
Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

Life is slowly changing back to what it was like 2 years ago, before spiritual seeking started. No-one can stop the falling away of seeking. The thoughts are more and more about work (teaching), and less and less about self-inquiry. I didn’t start the seeking – it happened on its own. I am not giving up or stopping anything. It’s all just happening.
Adrienne

[Steffi]

Dear Adrienne!
It is clear that the self is a thought, and yet a sense of self arises?
If that is the case, then focus your attention directly on this sense of self. The sense of self is the object of inquiry.
Observe the sense of self as it arises in the present moment and then look (with the five senses).
Is there really a self to be found? Where is the one to be found who is thinking?
Do not consider the thoughts or draw any conclusions. Just look.
If the thought arises: There is no self, or there cannot be a self because of this or that, then put that thought aside, do not believe that thought either, and look again with a fresh view.
It is important to keep looking with a fresh view, as if you were looking for the self for the first time.
Let’s separate the terms “self” and “sense of self”.
Sense of self = the object of investigation
Self = the supposed assumption of an entity that controls everything.

🙂 Steffi

[Adrienne]

Hi Steffi

Thank you. I will do that. Where is the one that is thinking? Looking with the senses, always as if looking for the first time. I’ll try that.

Adrienne

[Autor]

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